Ogre-oid Outbreak!!!

The CDC has just issued an official alert: antibiotic-resistant Ogre-oids are spreading faster than bedbugs . . .

Poverty is at its highest level since the early 1960s, unemployment remains at 10%, the debt remains in the trillions, the Afghan war recklessly charges onward like a crashing NATO helicopter . . . it can only mean one thing: the recession is over! Yes, the lastest example of America's cryptic institutional schizophrenia should be a relief to the millions of Americans who have been out of work for over a year. Nothing like access to information, is there? Economists have said repeatedly that this recession is worse than others in recent decades because of how bad it has been and how slow the "recovery" out of it remains, yet somehow the endless American fountain of good news and progress keeps on a-flowin'. I guess if you have the kind of bullshit job that the people who are paid to tell the rest of us the recession is over have, it may as well have never happened in the first place. What I want to know is, now that the recession is over, how soon before I get reimbured the $2,600 plus interest bailout money I loaned the government to plug Goldman Sach's asshole (yeah, Lloyd Blankfein, I'm referring to you!). With the interest added in, that'll be much-needed money Americans can skirt by on while they continue to look for a dead-end, degrading shitjob. And what do you know, this announcement comes just five weeks before mid-term elections! The vicious sprials continue to suck the life and reason out of us. Truth is "the recession is over" is Obama's version of "Mission accomplished." Give me a fucking break.

Looks like the Catholic church has another past time besides ass-raping choir boys: money laundering! Hey, if you've got to get those cum-stained tighty whiteys and priest robes in the washer, may as well throw in a few thousand euros and Swiss franks along with the bleach. The NY Times (2010, September 22) reports that the Vatican is under investigation even after hiring a once well-respected banker to make its dealings more transparent. Lest you worry that money-laundering has diverted the church's energies from lubeing up children, Baptist megachurch minsiter Eddie Long allegedly has been taking up the pedophiliac slack, as he has been accused of coercing young men into sex. Just goes to show that even though the Vatican has sovereign state status, it doesn't have a monopoly on pedophilia.

But don't think the Christian church is all bad. This week the G.O.P.--the Christian appendage of American government--successfully blocked repeal of the unconstitutional "don't ask, don't tell" policy for gay servicemen. While this discrimination may be a blessing in disguise saving gays from pointless death in the forlorn Afghan war, it reinforces the reality that America, now in the second decade of the 21st century, remains a backward nation dominated politically by primitive Christian dogma, as clearly exemplified by the ascent of . . .

. . . Delware senatorial candidate Christine O'Donnell, who recently praised turkeys who are no longer able to have sex because bio-technologists have been breading them for big chests. Since the turkeys have been neither baptized nor wed, O'Donnell regards them as models of abstinence for all Americans . . . even those who don't have big tits.

In addition to saving us from gay soldiers and lustful turkeys, the Christian church has also denounced yoga, saying that its roots in Eastern mysticism run against Christian doctrine, where one is only supposed to mediate on the word of God, e.g. more cryptic institutional schizophrenia. In case your worst nightmare is a horny gay turkey who can put its leg behind its head, these are great times to be an American, whether you're employed or not.

With such holy viligence in our presence, clearly there is no need to worry about the 69% increase in coalition deaths in Afghanistan in the three-month period ending September 14 from the same three-month period in 2009. Five of the nine soldiers killed in this week's helicopter crash are from nearby Fort Campbell--that's right, the same Fort Campbell that was the focus of an in-depth C-J report just weeks ago about the toll that the loss of life there is taking on the community. Nothing like the power of knowledge and information in a democracy to uphold the well-being of the people in the face of government ctyranny. Please explain: If Team Obama can declare the recession is over, why not declare "mission accomplished" in Afghanistan and get the fuck out of there?

Then there could be more "Welcome Home Hero" parties to celebrate the beginning of fall, where in Kentucky it's 98 degrees with a heat advisory. Gee, these temperatures couldn't have anything to do with the bleached coral reefs in the ocean which are suffocating in record heat? Perhaps these coral reefs are making a fashion statement, or maybe they've called off their symbiotic relationship with the algae that provided the microbos in them with nutrients and oxygen in honor of Christine O'Donell, but I'm guessing that marinebiologists are probably concerned when once colorful and vibrant coral reefs start to look like Andy Warhol.

Finally, no Ogre-oid Outbreak Update could be complete without mention of Austin "Salmonella" DeCoster, the egglord responsible for the spread of salmonella-tainted eggs across the country since 1987. But American government has done nothing over the past two decades to stop or punish DeCoster since salmonella-tainted eggs have nothing to do with putting people into privatized prisons over drugs. Tell me: when was the last time you read about a strain of cannabis that killed dozens of people and led to emergency rooms being flooded with people vomiting and shitting themselves? So why are millions of Americans in jail because of cannabis prohibition while DeCoster has raked in millions selling his while oval vermin? Because DeCoster is big-money-make-money, which means mainstream America wants to swallow his cum (which reportedly does not contain salmonella).