Ogre-oid Outbreak!!!

The CDC has just issued an official alert: antibiotic-resistant Ogre-oids are spreading faster than bedbugs . . .

Poverty is at its highest level since the early 1960s, unemployment remains at 10%, the debt remains in the trillions, the Afghan war recklessly charges onward like a crashing NATO helicopter . . . it can only mean one thing: the recession is over! Yes, the lastest example of America's cryptic institutional schizophrenia should be a relief to the millions of Americans who have been out of work for over a year. Nothing like access to information, is there? Economists have said repeatedly that this recession is worse than others in recent decades because of how bad it has been and how slow the "recovery" out of it remains, yet somehow the endless American fountain of good news and progress keeps on a-flowin'. I guess if you have the kind of bullshit job that the people who are paid to tell the rest of us the recession is over have, it may as well have never happened in the first place. What I want to know is, now that the recession is over, how soon before I get reimbured the $2,600 plus interest bailout money I loaned the government to plug Goldman Sach's asshole (yeah, Lloyd Blankfein, I'm referring to you!). With the interest added in, that'll be much-needed money Americans can skirt by on while they continue to look for a dead-end, degrading shitjob. And what do you know, this announcement comes just five weeks before mid-term elections! The vicious sprials continue to suck the life and reason out of us. Truth is "the recession is over" is Obama's version of "Mission accomplished." Give me a fucking break.

Looks like the Catholic church has another past time besides ass-raping choir boys: money laundering! Hey, if you've got to get those cum-stained tighty whiteys and priest robes in the washer, may as well throw in a few thousand euros and Swiss franks along with the bleach. The NY Times (2010, September 22) reports that the Vatican is under investigation even after hiring a once well-respected banker to make its dealings more transparent. Lest you worry that money-laundering has diverted the church's energies from lubeing up children, Baptist megachurch minsiter Eddie Long allegedly has been taking up the pedophiliac slack, as he has been accused of coercing young men into sex. Just goes to show that even though the Vatican has sovereign state status, it doesn't have a monopoly on pedophilia.

But don't think the Christian church is all bad. This week the G.O.P.--the Christian appendage of American government--successfully blocked repeal of the unconstitutional "don't ask, don't tell" policy for gay servicemen. While this discrimination may be a blessing in disguise saving gays from pointless death in the forlorn Afghan war, it reinforces the reality that America, now in the second decade of the 21st century, remains a backward nation dominated politically by primitive Christian dogma, as clearly exemplified by the ascent of . . .

. . . Delware senatorial candidate Christine O'Donnell, who recently praised turkeys who are no longer able to have sex because bio-technologists have been breading them for big chests. Since the turkeys have been neither baptized nor wed, O'Donnell regards them as models of abstinence for all Americans . . . even those who don't have big tits.

In addition to saving us from gay soldiers and lustful turkeys, the Christian church has also denounced yoga, saying that its roots in Eastern mysticism run against Christian doctrine, where one is only supposed to mediate on the word of God, e.g. more cryptic institutional schizophrenia. In case your worst nightmare is a horny gay turkey who can put its leg behind its head, these are great times to be an American, whether you're employed or not.

With such holy viligence in our presence, clearly there is no need to worry about the 69% increase in coalition deaths in Afghanistan in the three-month period ending September 14 from the same three-month period in 2009. Five of the nine soldiers killed in this week's helicopter crash are from nearby Fort Campbell--that's right, the same Fort Campbell that was the focus of an in-depth C-J report just weeks ago about the toll that the loss of life there is taking on the community. Nothing like the power of knowledge and information in a democracy to uphold the well-being of the people in the face of government ctyranny. Please explain: If Team Obama can declare the recession is over, why not declare "mission accomplished" in Afghanistan and get the fuck out of there?

Then there could be more "Welcome Home Hero" parties to celebrate the beginning of fall, where in Kentucky it's 98 degrees with a heat advisory. Gee, these temperatures couldn't have anything to do with the bleached coral reefs in the ocean which are suffocating in record heat? Perhaps these coral reefs are making a fashion statement, or maybe they've called off their symbiotic relationship with the algae that provided the microbos in them with nutrients and oxygen in honor of Christine O'Donell, but I'm guessing that marinebiologists are probably concerned when once colorful and vibrant coral reefs start to look like Andy Warhol.

Finally, no Ogre-oid Outbreak Update could be complete without mention of Austin "Salmonella" DeCoster, the egglord responsible for the spread of salmonella-tainted eggs across the country since 1987. But American government has done nothing over the past two decades to stop or punish DeCoster since salmonella-tainted eggs have nothing to do with putting people into privatized prisons over drugs. Tell me: when was the last time you read about a strain of cannabis that killed dozens of people and led to emergency rooms being flooded with people vomiting and shitting themselves? So why are millions of Americans in jail because of cannabis prohibition while DeCoster has raked in millions selling his while oval vermin? Because DeCoster is big-money-make-money, which means mainstream America wants to swallow his cum (which reportedly does not contain salmonella).

Linky Dinks

Karl Rove speaks the truth and is immediately beaten into submission by the rest of the GOP.
America so lame, belief in witchcraft not automatic disqualification for holding public option.
BP finally seals Deep Water Horizon well for good, media barely notices.
The Recession is over... a year ago!  Unemployed Americans realize they're just whiners.

Ogre-oids, 16 September 2010

Christine O'Donnell: The Tea Bag's victory in the Delaware Republican primary illustrates America's imminent descent into a right-wing dystopia, not to mention the obsolete and futile efforts of Obama to find "common ground" and "work with" the other party. As the Democrats continue to insist on compromise and moderate views in the name of denouncing extremism, right wing America becomes extreme to the point of surreal. O'Donnell's rants against masturbation and funding for AIDS are a perfect example of how bad things get when people don't jack off and use condoms: pieces of shit like her are born and rise to power.

Another example of how pointless compromise is in today's America: G.O.P. campaign spending far exceeds Democrats'. Unequal media access results in one party's views dominating public discourse. How's that for common ground! Of course, Obama's appeals to compromise and common ground are nothing more than disguises for his own conservative views. Two years in, Obama has shown himself to be just another Democratic convinced that his only chance at political success is to mimic Republicans:  the Afghan "surge," bashing teachers, coddling investment banks, letting big oil kill people, destroy local economies, and flood the Gulf with oil.

Speaking of, scientists have discovered through continued empirical research that the oil in the Gulf hasn't "dispersed" or been gobbled up by angelic microbes out of a Pixar film, but has sunk to the ocean's bottom. Reports show that as much as two inches of oil cover the bottom of the Gulf--and the dead plants and animals that once lived there (for free, which means it's good they're dead. The only good socialist is a dead one!)

Since there are more dead crustaceans, that means less of a burden on taxpayers, who have had to foot the bill for these freeloaders (hey, at least they didn't need swimming lessons). Fortunately, Mitch McConnell is doing everything he can to make sure there will be no compromise, a la Obama's closet conservatism, when it comes to ending Bush-era tax cuts for the rich. "Only in Washington could someone think it's a good idea to raise taxes during a recession." As always, Republican economics is perfect and unquestionable, the word of God. Now that I think about it, how can you argue with the party that started two decade-long wars that have cost billions of dollars, and supported financial and regulatory policies that led to the worst economic collapse in a century. But Americans love it: Republicans are rich, and in the land of freedom and equality, one does not dare to question big-money, make-money. That would be extreme!

Following Republican's sound and rational example, Steve May of Arizona decided to drop out of the race for State Senate after the criticism he received for recruiting several homeless drifters to run as Green party candidates. Truthfully, homeless dudes would probably have more guts and resourcefulness than today's Democrats.

Fortunately, the future looks bright, as today's college students will be tomorrow's leaders, that is, those who are not among the 238,000 students who defaulted on their student loans last year alone. This must be another sign of how corrupting liberal arts education into ideological conditioning for the business and finance world makes people savvier about money than whacked-out liberal academics who understand basic math.

But who cares? As long as the American university sports culture keeps roaring along, we can all bask in the glory of victory! And who would know better how to be a winner than the sports teams of American universities! Take the University of Kentucky, for example, who last week beat Western Kentucky 63-28, sending the Hilltopers to their 22nd consecutive loss since their "competitive" move to be a Division I football power! Beating up on scarecrow opponents like WKU has become part of the Big Blue winning tradition, whose non-conference opponents over the last decade have a blazing cumulative record of 78-124! How's that for being a winner! The unbridled triumph will continue this weekend when powerhouse Akron comes to Lexington, another winless UK opponent who last week lost to Gardner-Webb -- yes, the same school that beat UK basketball 84-68 in Rupp Arean in Billy Gillespie's first season, not to be confused with the Virginia Military Institute team that beat them 111-103 to kick off his second, and final, NIT year.

Of course, there is a new day in Big Blue world, thanks to Coach John Calipari and recruits like Eric Bledsoe, who, the NY Times reports, received an "A" in Algebra III despite never taking Algebra II. What's the big deal? I mean, in basketball you can hit a three-pointer without having to make a two-pointer first, right? The actual grade Bledsoe got in the course was a "C" which would have made him ineligible to play last year. Cheating, lying . . . all trademarks of being a winner.

But you can always find somewhere where it's worse: like up in Bloomington, IN, where IU inducted former coach Lee Corso into its Hall of Fame. Corso's career record: 41-68-2. Hey--if he weren't such a winner, he would have lost those two games he tied and wound up with 70 losses!

Winners have character too, like Saints Reggie Bush, who forfeited his 2005 Heisman over the scandals of improper payments and benefits to USC jocks (who, like all college jocks, don't default on their student loans, because they're winners! not losers!).

And just to show that the winning American spirit is catching on internationally, a couple of Ogre-oids from overseas: French president Nicolas Sarkozy is under investigation by the EU for targeting and discriminating against Roma during his summer campaign to purge them from France. Nothing says "liberté,

égalité, fraternité" like ethnic cleansing. Not to be outdone, the notorious hard-ass Swedes are mounting in support of right-wing anti-immigration parties, sick of coddling non-whites! 

Europeans are jumping on anti-immigrant right-wing parties like walruses are jumping on Alaskan islands' shores since the ice they used to live on has melted. But since there is no climate change, as the right-wingers tell us, there's nothing to worry about! 

Next thing you know, Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio can jail these walruses for immigrating without proper documentation! In the plea bargain deal, the walruses can do jail time, or agree to run as candidates for the Green Party.

Bat Shit Crazy Report: Christine O'Donnell cont'd

Remember, the most important thing we can do in the fight against AIDS is to fight the "lifestyle" that causes it.

Bat Shit Crazy Report: Christine O'Donnell

I'm just going to let it be known that the hyper religious are fucking crazy in my opinion.  That, and they're really fucking obnoxious.  This self centered little Jesus whore reminds me of the religious kids I went to high school with.  Always pitying me that I wasn't "saved" while filled with pride over how superior they were.  I wonder how many of these worthless pathetic backwoods rednecks are still on their first marriage and how many of them were married the first time because "they had to."  Anyway, her opposition to masturbation might explain why she's the current bat shit crazy GOP candidate for the U.S. Senate in Delaware.  Enjoy this little video from a mere 14 years ago of Christine O'Donnell telling MTV about "The Savior's Alliance for Lifting the Truth" (S.A.L.T.).  You can't masturbate without lust in your hearts, kids!